What’s invisible and smells like bananas? Monkey farts.

I don’t mean to brag, I don’t mean to boast, but here’s some hummus for this pita toast!

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaooooooooooo poop pee pppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp

Phew, that was a good leak.

I gave Owen some Fruit Loops and asked him to smell it. “What does that smell like?” Owen: “Colors!”

Owen: Mom, are we almost home? Mom: Soon, why? Owen: I’m almost out of Cheetos.

…one dad could buy me presents all the time. Me: With what money? Owen: Well, he’s male so he has free money.

When I grow up, I’m not going to do nothing. I’m just going to sit around the house all day.

“Dad, I hate you a little less.”